Tuesday Joke

[SVT5LITER]

Subject: New Boots

Sam and Bessie Goldberg are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, and the same pants._ What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

[Cobra-R]

A professor stood before his philosophy class and
> > had some items in
> > front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he
> > picked up a very
> > large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill
> > it with golf balls.
> > He then asked the students if the jar was full? They
> > agreed that it was.
> >
> >
> > So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
> > poured them into
> > the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles
> > rolled into the open
> > areas between the golf balls. He then asked the
> > students again if the
> > jar was full. They agreed it was.
> >
> > The professor next picked up a box of sand and
> > poured it into the jar.
> > Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He
> > asked once more if the
> > jar was full. The students responded with an
> > unanimous "yes."
> >
> > The professor then produced two cans of beer from
> > under the table and
> > poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
> > filling the empty
> > space between the sand. The students laughed.
> >
> > "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
> > "I want you to
> > recognize that this jar represents your life. The
> > golf balls are the
> > important things--your family, your health, your
> > children, your job,
> > your friends, your favorite passions--things that if
> > everything else was
> > lost and only they remained, your life would still
> > be full. "The pebbles
> > are the other things that matter like your job, your
> > house, your car.
> > The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
> >
> > If you put the sand into the jar first," he
> > continued, "there is no room
> > for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for
> > life. If you spend
> > all your time and energy on the small stuff, you
> > will never have room
> > for the things that are important to you. Pay
> > attention to the things
> > that are critical to your happiness. Play with your
> > children. Take time
> > to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to
> > dinner. Play another
> > 18. There will always be time to clean the house,
> > and fix the disposal.
> >
> > "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that
> > really matter. Set
> > your priorities. The rest is just sand."
> >
> > One of the students raised her hand and inquired
> > what the beer
> > represented.
> >
> > The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just
> > goes to show you that
> > no matter how full your life may seem, there's
> > always room for a couple
> > of beers."

[SVT5LITER]

aahhh Brian...

An old one, but true.

Here's another old one, but funny.

Subject: Employment App.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE
DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[LX Sport]

lol, that app is sweet, new boots is funny to. The Life one was pretty good too.

LX Sport